


Really Fucking Things Up

by collapsingStars



Category: Homestuck
Genre: the hell, this was a really quick idea, upd8, what the hell canon JOhn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 18:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collapsingStars/pseuds/collapsingStars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John really shoulda just forked himself...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Really Fucking Things Up

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. I decided in the interest of ignoring all reasonable duties I'd write an update story. Because I've never written about or from John's POV before. I've always liked him as a character but surprisingly (unlike anybody else) I don't ship him with anyone. And so I get this fandom John in my head and go "ew" and forget him for Karkat (he is my baby shut up I have every right to adore him over everyone else) and then things like this update help me remember that he is kinda a bad ass and also is really dumb and funny. So yeah... and this new "arms" thing is really going to fuck things up... isn't it Hussie? 
> 
> I also realize I've become the exact kind of writer I hate... the ones that write really cool fics you want to read but they don't update for months at a time. I'm sorry I should be working on Beau monstre... maybe you'll get something early tomorrow morning... maybe. -_-' 
> 
> Sloppy planning and not beta-ed cause no one likes me so... fight me.

John shoulda just let Meenah fork him... or at least forked himself. He thought that he should also just... stop sleeping. Jade was probably saying "Hi!" in that cheerful way of hers to everyone right now, wagging her tail, greeting her post scratch, reuniting with Dave and Rose, perking her ears to hear Karkat yell, and he was missing quite the party. John was sure, as he walked with ghosts, that they were busy hugging (or in Karkat's case shouting) and planning the next attack on this stupid game (there's the real enemy right there) so they can either create a universe or go home. Or both.

But a habit formed after three years is hard to break. He'd become so accustomed to napping away the hours and days spent on that stupid boat in hopes that when he woke from whatever coma had endured that they would be there already. But it was like sleeping on a bus on an overnight school trip. Every time he woke up, so little time had passed and he was still on that stupid boat or in Jade's palmed planets (there wasn't much really to do anymore; over the years they had solved every planets puzzles and talked to the denizens). 

Which was why, at the very time John should of been awake, he was probably fucking things up more for all of them. 

He couldn't help his natural sense of curiosity. The treasure was glowing and his arm went right through it. What was it supposed to do to save them? John thought he might as well experiment. He was met with a hundred different sensations! soft plush, empty air, hard rock, something wet and warm, you name the feeling, one of his arms was probably feeling it. It was a little overwhelming being able to stick his arm through any point in time and space. 

"Woah this is making me feel really wierd." 

"John will you get your hand out of there? You're vaguely fucking shit up in a totally ambiguous way." 

John felt more rather than saw the millions of lights that seemed to collapse around him, sucking him in through the tiny SBURB shaped house. Blinded and gagged, he could hardly scream from the pins and needles that stabbed his skin, his heart and lungs collapsing as his brain was engulfed in darkness and light. Starting at his toes he was unraveled to his sinew and DNA, further being translated, as if by a computer, into ones and zeroes soaring into empty air. And just as quickly he felt himself as one's and zeroes vibrate and pass through the screens on the house, and reassemble into the dark-haired, blue clothed boy, surrounded by a white void looking up into the house shape he ha once peered down into, only seconds ago. Meenah's fork flew by and he tried to reach out and grab it but he couldn't. John could not put his arm up through the logo. Shit. 

He felt him self slowly begin to fall, and Meenah's muttered "dammit" surrounded him. He laughed and it bounced around the white void turning it quiet, ominous, as the white gave was to grey, and the SBRUB logo above him fell out of site. It was at that point he turned himself over so he fell (floated? whatever it was either to fast or too slow to tell) on his stomach and was greeted with black space. Things stared falling around him. There was his arm (wow how much of time and space did he disrupt? He idly wondered whether Dave or Jade were feeling the effects) and then a red fork, a book (Sassacre's at that), a pair of colorful curved knives, a katana, a chair, which he took the oppurtunity to grab and sit on, a pair of dorky shades, a pistol... the list went on and on. Some of the things he picked up and played with, others he let float on by. He was greeted slowly with images floating in the black space around him. Him standing in his room on his 13th birthday. A nubby troll shouting and slicing things with the curved knives, Karkat probably. Fit the MO. Dave texting. Jade on LOFAF. Bits of their games, of the trolls game, trolls he didn't recognize, kids who looked familiar but whom he didn't know, parnets, gaurdians. Each one made him more sad, laughing at the bits of his arm he saw in the images, missing and wishing he has the power to wake up from this nightmare. It seemed at this point his fall would just continue on and on...

Until he was met with the earthshaking, breaking of the chair when it hit the ground. So much for ass comfort.

He massaged the ache out of his butt and looked around the wherever he just fell. Glancing up around he saw nothing but empty black void and empty space. Not even his random object friends were there to cheer him. There were no walls and no ceiling and the door...

Door. 

John reaffirmed that what had once been empty space was now a door and walked quickly toward it. But the closer he got the smaller it seemed to get, until he was running, hoping to keep that door in his sights. He ran smack-dab into a wall the door no longer at eye level... but foot level. The door was only as big as Johns hand. Well then...

"Now what?" John voiced out loud. He was met with a nark and green light scrawled itself above the door. 

"Bark grows  
Whines shrink  
She writes in green ink." 

"What..?" John glanced at the short poem. "What's that supposed to mean?"

The universe heaved a great sigh and scrawled some more

"Which friend am I?"

"Oh... Jade Harley." 

He felt a great pop and suddenly he was at eye level with the green door, inscribed with "Sister." He turned the knob and stepped through. 

Greeted with sunshine and the gentle barking of a dog in the distance, he turned to see posters, plants and color, plaster the door he just stepped through. Closing and stepping around the tangle buddies he took a step further in as the door shut behind him. It was a heavily decorated and oxygenated room. Girly and messy. And on the bed he just stopped in front of was his sister, sleeping soundly. Jade snored and John almost cried in greeting. But he stopped to remember that it was definitely rude to wake the sleeping. He walked around the room registering things that troubled his mind. The lack of SBURB paraphernalia for one. He knew from pictures that Jade had been obsessed with it before it actually all went down. In fact why was he even Jade's room to begin with. He glanced back at the girl. It wasn't quite the sister with fluffy, dog ears he knew now. The face was softer, younger, less stressed. 

When was he? 

Glancing around the room he spotted a click. It was about six in the morning. Conveniently next to it was a calendar that advertised that it was the day before his birthday. 

Six years ago. 

John confusion hit peak. Why the hell was he in Jade's room, six years ago? This weapon was supposed to help him and his friends save themselves from the game, why did it put him here? 

He hated SBURB so much. He slid to the floor before noticing that Jade's green text was written on one corner of the calendar.

"Hi John. I wish U was awake to greet you..." it ended there in big letters. Out of desperation he tore the day off to see more text underneath on his birth date.

"... to wish you a happy tenth, or is it sixteenth? Birthday. But there is a chance here you can take that might save or doom us all. So even though I'm asleep you are supposed to leave me advice and I'll hear it here all the way on Prospit, then go back through the door. Meanwhile I hope you wake-up soon. Love you big brother." 

John smiled. Jade was always more in the know, even when she was confused during the game. If anything she was more of the big sister. Now to leave her a message.  
Of what? How to get rich quick? How to avoid certain doom? How to...save or doom? Advice to survive the game? 

"Jade..." John spoke to the sleeping girl quietly, "First of all thanks for the straight answer. I needed that and secondly..." the barking outside of Bec caught your attention, " remember that Bec will always be good dog and your best friend. Always, no matter what." He smiled to himself remembering the sudden phrasing she used about Bec after about ten years of age. "Also, despite mean words and hasty comments, Karkat is trying to help. Though I doubt you'll remember that until way later. So.. yeah." He put a kiss to sleeping Jade forehead and stepped back toward the door. He wondered what would happen if he stayed here. But despite curiosity he didn't want to fuck things up more so he opened the now black door and stepped through to the void, leaving behind him the happy barking and sunlight for an empty, black, void, following Jade's instructions to the T. 

He sighed as it clicked behind him with finality. His sadness for what he knew what ahead of her was a heavy burden. It was barely worth it to give the advice he had given. But he knew she would be better equipped with it. After all he couldn't stop the game, she was already awake on Prospit. Right? 

He shook off the encounter and tried to better determine what to do now. He was immediately greeted with a nasty red colored door. In fact it looked less like a door and more like some painted version of a door. With the spray can thing in paint on Microsoft. There was no handle when he went to open it. Writing then appeared, a poem in comic sans. 

"Brothers live here  
Brothers fight  
Brothers sleep tight through the night  
Protecting the younger  
Learning from the elder  
But sometimes brother means another  
In a different Time and different place  
Miles and Miles away  
The bond still stays" 

John chuckled. 

"You didn't have to make it so easy. So matter what you'd said I know it's be my best bro Dave Strider." 

A heavy clock tone chimed and the door blazed red to reveal a much more fitting door, heavy wooden, oak and red, like a grandfather clock, with the Time gear emblazoned on the front. John wasted no time stepping through to the other side. 

It was still red as hell though, wherever he look. Heat blazed in all directions and he was soaked in seconds with his own sweat. This was nothing like cool rainy washington or LOWAS. It was like chilling on LOHAC. He stopped for a moment to recognize a groan behind him. 

"who the hell are you and why the fuck are you on my roof?" John saw Dave lying face up on the ground head cocked his direction, with pointy anime shades and all looking up at him. He was also notably younger than sixteen. Leaving John the idea that maybe he was supposed to do the same thing here that he had in Jade's room. But Dave was awake. Hm. 

"I said who the hell are you?" 

"Oh, sorry, Dave, I'm John."

"hi john now why the hell are you on my roof. and where did the freaky, gaudy red door go?"

"Oh, um... I don't know on both accounts." 

"that about as lovely as crow shit." Dave flopped his head on the ground and sighed. "wait... how do you know my name?" he intoned the head nod. 

"Well I'm your best Bro aren't I?" 

"wait... john egbert? as in ghostytrickster?" 

"The same though it's ectoBiologist now." 

"dude shoula rang me up earlier. let me prepare for this rad shit mystery visit with magic doors. coulda set my own doors for you to go through, to meey some pedo version of me you lying creep. thought you were eight dude."

"I am! At least your John is. I am yours eight years from now. I'm kinda from the future." John chuckled, amusement over saying he was from the future.

Dave was less amused. Also it looked liked he was in pain. "bullshit." he said. 

"You won't be saying that when you are the one skipping through time loops or some shit."

"Huh?"

"Nevermind. Are you okay?" 

"yeah, i'm fucking peachy as the texas sun all hangning out in the sky like the fuzzy flamy motherfucker it is. little does it know that it so delicious it my skin will just eat the uv rays up like candy that flaming peach is so delicious. so good. but later its gonna look like i ate all the carrots instead be orange and red and raw like someone took a bite out of the peach son and chewed it. the bite is me. and its gonna drip its hella rad juices everywhere red and yummy all over the fucking sidewalk and now suddenly i am the injured peach and the sun is cooking me on the sidewalk."

"Hell I missed your rants." 

"I hope in whatever universe your from you did. now would you mind getting me out of that fucking sunshine before i burn to death?" 

"Sure." you haul the younger Dave up and let him stagger to the shade given by the gigantic air conditioning unit. You gave him a once over as he slumped over grimacing. 

"Wipe that small smile of your face Egderp."

"Sorry.. it's just good to see you. I missed you even it's not the you I'm used to seeing. what happened to you?"

"That really fucking great you pedophile. And for your information my brother strifed me and beat me up again like he does anytime he's home. I'll breathe and then hobble downstairs to shower and give myself stitches here in a minute. Maybe you'd like to fuck me in the shower John?"

"No, definitely not what I'm here to do. And I'm not a pedo, I'm barely sixteen."

"Still really fucking old." 

"And how old are you?" 

"Nine now go fuck some other kid." 

"Nope how about you let me help you downstairs?"

"what? no!" Before he could protest, John picked Dave up and opened the only door he could see on the roof, and carried him down the sitars to the Striders top floor apartment. 

"I can walk myself." 

"It looks like you twisted your ankle pretty bad." 

"Fuck you."

"I already told you no. Not what I'm here to do." John dropped him on the couch. Dave sat up alert waiting for something. John stayed still you stayed silent until Dave relaxed. 

"Older fuck already left. He won't attack you."

"Who?"

"Bro, my guardian or whatever." 

"If he's your guardian, why does he attack you?"

"I don't really know. Anyway why would I tell you?" 

"I'm John your best bro." 

"right. and i am nic cage. tell me something only john would say." 

"fine... "Con Air is the best thing ever, you totally shouldn't shit on Con air until you see it." 

Dave lifted his shitty shades with a wide-eyed recognition. "shit man." 

"Also I am in homo-love with Nac Cage. He is the best ever." 

"ok calm down. no one asked for the undying love confession we already know that man. but shit you should of mentioned you were coming. would not have let my cool drop like this."

"Like what?"

"Being all injured and shit." He swore more as he sat up and reached under the coffee table to retrieve what looked like needles and thread. John winced from his place in the apartment doorway as Dave began to sew himself back together.

"Back to my original question... why does your Older Brother do this to you?"

"he spouts a lot of stuff. about protecting me, about preparing me to not be a shithead. to be with the program at all times. i think he really wants me to be prepared for anything and fight whatever comes. like a badass. but honestly who is going to randomly attack me with a sword on the street? its all bullshit."

Bingo. 

"It's not all bullshit." 

"How the hell would you know?" 

"Trust me. Someday down the road when you are thirteen, you're going to appreciate him teaching you how to be cool. How to fight and be basically the strongest, smartest, badass ninja. It's all worth it down the road my friend. All down the road."

"You sound like a dork, spouting all your vague, ominous future shit.' 

"That's my job." John flinched as he broke the thread and finished stitching his arm. The other sword cuts it seemed would survive without stitches. John stepped forward to wordlessly help Dave up. 

"you know what, you best be right man because this fucking blows. i hurt and this sucks and i'm a nobody why does it even matter." John started to help him and tell him why he matters when he heard the door click shut. Bro stood there in all his unscratched glory holding groceries. Dave tensed and John silently screamed. Her was the man responsible for the badassery Dave knows. And he was going to kill John's ass for being in his house. And he might not wake up, after all he was pretty sure he was not in the dreambubbles anymore, Toto. Bro just gave a glance and took out a juice box to his little brother. Dave et go of John's arm to expertly snatch it out of the air and John thought he saw Bro give a quick smile. Then he looked to John. 

"Well go ahead and tell him. You were about to lay a pretty heavy futuristic line on him, am I right?" 

"Oh, um... yeah." John stumbled to remember what he was going to tell Dave. "Dave, you aren't a nobody." He just quirked an eyebrow making sure his cool was intact in front of Bro. John squatted so was at the nine-year-old's level. "Remember that you are a hero." John said simply and hugged Dave. Dave gave up the charade and hugged John back, shaking slightly. 

"I can't wait to meet you john." 

"You won't think I'm so hot when you do but okay. also don't mention any of this to the current john okay?" 

"okay."

John stood to go, having delivered the message to Dave. He turned and saw Bro open the front door, a red, heavy, oak door to a black void beyond. He stepped out as Bro mumbled a heavy shouthern "thanks" under his breathe and an orange eyes winked at him. He nodded back and stepped through to the other side glancing back before the door closed to see Bro noogie Dave before the door closed, Dave laughing. 

A sigh escaped Egbert, and the universe for a relationship and soul repaired. He quickly glanced back up in front of him to be greeted by another door, purple this time and bolt locked, and another poem. The trend continues. 

"Sought for the mind  
Lacking in heart  
Phsycoanalized  
Every spectrums part."

"I know it's already for Rose Lalonde, half-wit." 

A grunt escaped the universe as John's mind melted and the door simply twinkled him through, as if by magic.

He wasn't expecting the sudden sound of retching and crying and yelling. He was at the bottom of a set of stairs and at the top was a little, blonde girl crying. The shouting and retching coming from down the hall. John ignored the insults and shameless insulting words that came from the mouth of Rose's mom. He scooped Rose, stifling her scream with a hand and asked quickly where her bedroom was. she pointed up the stairs further and he ran where she was directed. He finally came to a quieter part of the house where her mother's screams could no longer be heard. Opening a door he placed her at the foot of her bed and sat on the floor, looking up at her. 

"Hey stop crying, it'll be okay." 

"No it won't she doesn't stop drinking ever. She'll never get better." 

"Yes she will." 

"Who are you? You don't know that." 

"I'm John Egbert, and yes I do." She stopped crying at the mention of your name. 

"Egbert... my mother rambles about someone named that."

"Yeah, he's my dad." 

"Well, if you know my mother then, hi, I'm Rose."

"Hi Rose. I'm sixteen how old are you?"

"I'm six!" Rise said proudly.

John let out a low whistle. What was he supposed to tell a six year old without freaking her out? John notice though quickly that Rose had begun to cry again. 

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" John laid on the parental tone. 

"I'm scared of my Mother."

"Why should you be?"

"Because she is drunk all the time! She doesn't ever not make a mistake I'm worried one day she'll forget who I am and kick me like she kicks that cats she doesn't remember and then smash my head like all her drinking glasses!" Rose wailed. 

John smoothed her hair and shushed her crying when she was again focused on him. "Rose," he began carefully picking the wording that the smart sic year old Rose would understand, "I want you to know your mother means well. You mother won't ever hurt you. Also know that you will one day play a very important role in your life and understand the suffering your mother faced, and beat it."

"Beat it?" 

"Yeah. You will beat it up and win, okay?" 

"Okay?" She gave John a hug before rubbing her eyes, and falling asleep on your shoulder. Well that was fast and furious. But John got the feeling that he wasn't done yet. 

He closed Rose's bedroom door and went downstairs to investigate the violent sobbing. he picked out a midst the wreckage Ms. Lalonde and picked her up from the floor. She was smaller than he and lighter. She looked at him and sobbed harder. 

"God you alreday gve her the msage did yu?" 

"Yes, Miss." 

"I'm suchj a a fck up." 

"Naw, you're just playing a nessecary role in the game that screwed us over." 

"U luke so mch liek him."

"Who?" 

"You father..." And with that she passed out in the most drunken state possible. John sighed and set her on the couch, and located a piece of paper and a pen. He wrote out a message for Ms Lalonde. 

"Dear Ms. Lalonde, 

Please sober up some. Remember Rose needs help preparing for the game. And then the time will come and you will see my dad again. I promise.

Future John Egbert." 

Johnleft the note in a dry wine glass, that she would no doubt find and he felt a completeness. He opened the nearest door and stepped back into the void. John doubted that either of them would remember the trip in the morning but knew they would benefit from what he had said. 

As John stepped once more back into the void he found that he was now in a white void. In front of him was another door. There was no poem or lock or mystic. It was a white door. It was his door, so he had every right to have instant access. John stepped through...

... and nearly tumbled face first onto the floor over a cake. He side stepped and righted himself beside his bed looking down at a sleeping Egbert. 

"Thanks for not stepping on the cake son." John whirled and found his Dad on the other side of the room. Without much thought he ran to him and hugged him around the middle, reveling in the manly, fatherly chuckle. 

"I miss you." 

"I've missed you too. What a fine grown man you've come to be." 

"Really? Cause I've kinda just been running around fucking things up." 

"Language and yes. I know." 

"How?" 

"Let's sat I've been getting calls or visits from the other gaurdians." 

"But some of those were..."

"Years ago, yes, but I remember." 

"So when am I now?" John stepped back and looked around at the birthday cakes. It was still the middle of the night. 

"I believe it's 3 am on your thirteenth birthday."

"Really?" John looked at the sleeping, younger John, and back to his Dad. "Why send me here?"

"To make a choice suggestion to your younger self I suppose. As I recall this is supposed to be a fateful day." 

"It's the day we start playing the game..." John wondered to himself. He recalled the day so many years ago that he woke to whispers at 6 am and waited all morning for the discs that would allow him to play. 

"A game... it's just a game..." 

"Indeed." 

"That destroyed our lives." 

"Oh, son I wouldn't say that." 

"But it did! It was just supposed to be a game and here I am three years later, traveling with aliens and monsters and being a god with powers, no parents, and everyone is dying and there are so many bad guys no one even knows where to start or what the hell is going on! It was just a game..." John broke down in tears on the floor. Before realization came to him. "But I can stop it. I can tell him not to play it. And if he never plugs it in then none of this will have ever happened." John made a move to go whisper in the sleeping Johns ear so he wouldn't play the game. But a fatherly hand fell on his shoulder. 

"Are you sure about this hasty decision? Think about it first." 

"I am absolutely sure." 

"But what will stop your friends from playing?" 

"I'll tell them, or rather he will. And if they don't have a partner they can't, right?" 

"Maybe. But if you don't play you won't exist John. Think about it." 

John recoiled in ridicule from his father. Of course he'd exist. He still had to be born after all... wait. He wasn't born conventionally was he? No, he created himself in the ectolabs. along with his friends and their post scratch selves. Slowly John felt everything click into place. How everything was connected and the lives he created were nessecary evils of the game. It was more than just a game. It was something that hey had all been prepared for, literally, from birth. He couldn't alter that. 

John sighed. "Then... what I am I supposed to tell him." 

"Something to help him grow up. Something that will, make him, man-up when the time comes." 

John thought on that and leaned to talk into younger John's sleeping ear. 

"Con Air sucks." John felt a clock chime in his inner ear, and grow louder. It was time to go. 

"I am so proud of you." John father gave him one last hug which John returned with full strength. 

"I don't get it though. How is this portal thingy supposed to be the treasure that will help us fight Lord English?" 

"It's supposed to make you stronger. Through your traveling tonight you have strengthened everyone who needed words to fight for. A reason for being and repaired relationships. Your friends are going to remember the words John spoke to them and fight for those words. You gave them something to believe in within themselves. And when you are at your lowest point you will remember this trip, they will remind and lift you, and you will lift them to rise up and defeat the challenge. And all those fighting with you, trolls and creatures will see and be able to follow their leaders." 

"Leaders?" 

"Next time you get a chance to Karkat Vantas ask him about his little leadership hole trip. His ancestor I believe was most interesting about it." 

"Alright..." 

"I reiterate how proud I am of you. You can defeat English and whatever else comes. And I will see you again soon I promise." 

"Bye Dad." You muttered into his shoulder as tears fell down your face. 

"Bye, Son and Happy birthday." Once again the felling of unraveling and being rearranged on the other side of a screen overtakes him. 

...

John wakes up on the ship. He idly notices the Starbucks next to him, and his phone going off madly. He pulls it out and smiles and the rows upon rows of angry, gray, panicking text. While he was asleep the world had gone to shit. That was his usual cue to start messing shit up even more, eventually getting positive results. He grabbed the coffee cup beside him and chugged as flew quickly out the door, hopefully to stop the impending meteor crash into Skaia. 

Singing Happy Birthday under his breath.

**Author's Note:**

> Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end!
> 
> ~Lewis Caroll, Alice in Wonerland 
> 
> (And now I have more than just Beau Monstre fairy tale ideas)


End file.
